Funny Verses

Parents' Lament

Little baby go to sleep,

Why can’t you go to sleep?

There are mommies asleep on buses and chairs

And chefs asleep on their kitchen stairs

Teenagers like to sleep in school -

They don't care if it's uncool!

There are gardeners sleeping on the lawn

Swallowing grass bits when they yawn

And daddies sleeping on their trains

Trying to rest such busy brains

Couples fall asleep during movies

With faces in popcorn, sodas and candies

The postman fell asleep on the bench
And ditch digger - down in his trench

We even know, people who go to row

And fall asleep in mid-row and so

Many campers asleep in their tents

It doesn't make sense!

Holidaymakers asleep on the beaches

Zookeepers asleep - not the creatures!

Little boys sleeping up in trees

Octopi sleeping in soft, surfy seas

Your bed is cosy, soft and warm,

Teddy is keeping an eye on the storm

What's that you say, Ted?

Oh. Shh. Yes I see.

Baby’s asleep
Now, me!

 

Monster! Run!

 Quick!  Run! Hide!

The monster is coming!

Dad under his office table

Closes his eyes so he won’t be seen

Mum in her bedroom cupboard

In her dresses, coats and shoes

Sebastian under his bed

Hand over his mouth so he doesn’t scream

Here comes the monster

Big and purple with a very long nose

And very big feet and only one eye

The monster growls, “BLARG! BLARG!”

And reaches out sticky, gloopy hands

Dad runs to Mum

“Ssshhh!” he says, “The monster is coming!”

The monster growls again, “BLARG! BLARG!”

And stamps with its big, dirty feet

Mum and Dad run to hide with Sebastian

“There isn’t room for all of us you know,” Sebastian says

“Ssshh!” Mum says, “The monster!”

“Quick!” says Dad, “Anti-monster pills.”

Just in time!
The monster comes into the room

Growling “BLARG! BLARG!” and blinking its one eye

Quick as a flash, Dad throws anti-monster pills

Into the monster’s huge, toothy mouth

Then before their very eyes,
The monster begins to change

One eye becomes two

Goopy hands are clean

Large dirty feet are small and shiny

Long nose is small and stubby

  

“Thank goodness for anti-monster pills,”

Say Mum and Dad climbing out from under the bed

“Can I have some too?” Sebastian says

“No! They’re all mine!” shouts the monster

“Oh dear, she’s turning purple again,” Mum moans

“We almost had a little girl,” groans Dad.
Quick! Run! Hide!
The monster is coming!

Guess what? Guess some more!

My Gran is really a dinosaur!

Guess what? Guess some more -

My Gran is really a dinosaur

I know it's true! She told me so

When she came to visit an hour ago.

TV was gross – there was nothing but NEWS!

So I took the remote and said, “Gran you choose.”

But she looked at me with startled eyes

And said, “I’m sure it’s no surprise,

“But I’m really just an old dinosaur

I’ve never seen this thingy before

We didn’t have them way-back-when

Dinosaurs didn’t watch TV then.”

And I thought, WOW! Maybe gran

Is a Pterodactyl with a huge wingspan

I can see her diving on terrified prey

Grabbing small kids to eat on the way.

Then when I was playing my video game

I got stuck, yelled, and in Gran came

She said, “Oh dear, I’m just a dinosaur

I haven’t a clue what those keys are for

And what is this thing? You say ‘mouse’?

I never had one like that in my house.”

And I thought, “I wonder if Gran is a giant T-Rex

With extra-sharp teeth and powerful legs

She would have a tremendous roar

That knocks her enemies to the floor!”

Then my mom gave Gran a brand new phone

And said, “Now you can call when you’re alone

Think of it! Whenever you like.”

And Gran said, “Call? On this thing? Yike!

“Whatever happened to normal phones?

Take a look at these dinosaur bones!”

And I thought, I hope Gran is a Brontosaur

We could sell rides (from two to four)

Down her long tail and neck

That would be the best slide yet!

And when the time came for Gran to go

I said, “Don’t worry, no one will know

I’ll keep your secret!” “What?” she said

But gave me a wink and shook her head

And you may not believe it – but I know I saw

The strangest footprints going out of our door

They were wide and webby – like a dinosaur

And when she got in the car, I heard my Gran

ROOOOAAAAAAR!

  

Where is Mom's Smile?

Mommy lost her smile today

I know it must be here

She had it on this morning
What made it disappear? 

It couldn’t be when Ben

Found the stinky, spraying stuff

And tried it out on all of us

Even our dog, Fluff 

And John only wanted

To make mom some tea

With lots of milk and sugar

Although he’s only three 

It couldn’t be when Annie

Was getting her new tooth

And cried and cried and cried

We tried and tried and tried!

Mom held her head and said,

“I need help, and my bed!”

She went upstairs and closed the door

John smeared cake on the kitchen floor

 I know the number you must call

- I am the eldest after all

And before we could put on pants

There were firemen, police and an ambulance

 Mom’s smile was gone. There was a frown

(And she couldn’t put the baby down)

“It was me mom,” I confessed

You need help to get them dressed.”

 The firemen smiled and bustled in

And said, “Let’s make tea then.

Our station needs help – how about you?

But you need pants and you need a shoe.

So we were all firemen that day

We rode on the engine and got to play

With Jack, the friendly firedog there

Mom got three boys out of her hair

  

And when we got home - after a while -

There fast asleep, was mom and her smile

But I thought as we went upstairs to bed

We didn’t get to be policemen – at least, not yet…

I Did 10 Impossible Things Today! 

First of all – believe it or not!

I woke up before the alarm clock.

Then I found socks – a matching pair!

Who would ever have known they were there? 

And then I found my very best jeans!

Where had they been? Hiding unseen

Behind the un-cool pants

Bought by mum and the aunts!

And my shoes were right

Where I left them last night -

One looking left, one looking right.

I like to see them standing like that -

As though they were having a cool-shoe chat.

My hair wasn’t sticky-uppy either today

It was just lying around in a normal way

So I combed it flat

And left it like that.

But everyone has ears - who can help ears? 

It’s no use dissolving into buckets of tears

Like some kids do when they are teased.

I’m growing into mine and today I could see

My ears fit my head – clear as can be!

And that T-shirt I bought

The one that I thought

Mum might stick away?

Well, not today –

It was there! On my chair

All ready to wear!

My backpack was clean (it was so weird)

There were no sticky patches where gum had been smeared

No odd bits of fluff or gunk in the pockets

My eyes nearly popped out of their perfect eye sockets!

And then just imagine! The breakfast of kings!

Pancakes, banana, honey and things

And then it hit me – a sudden thought

I had done something bad – I had been caught!

My punishment was all the things I liked best

“Mum,” I said, “I have to confess.”

“About what Joe,” she said

And I couldn’t think.

Did I break a window?

Did I block up the sink?

She said, “Hey Joe”

And I said, “Yep,” sort of softly

“Here’s some money for lunch

But remember now - not too much junk.”

I blinked and I said,

“Hey mum, why is today

Better than any regular day?”

“Have you forgotten?” she grinned, “Look over there

The calendar, the month, the day, the year!”

“My birthday!” I shouted, “Hooray!”

“Presents and cake and I have to say

The perfect mum on the perfect day!”

She gave me a hug, a wink and a kiss

And I’m seven, but I don’t mind things like this.