Santa Online

In the olden days – when your parents were born – there weren’t so many children for Santa to visit. Nowadays, there are lots and they all wonder – how does Santa get around to everyone? Does he use computers? Now pay attention.

One Christmas, Santa’s CEO (Chief Elf Organizer) said, “Santa, we have to modernize our systems. All of our naughty and nice lists should be on computer. And we should tell children to send emails – not letters.”

Santa said, “What about children who live in Timbuktu?”

“Timbuktu is online,” the CEO said, “Look on my laptop.”

Santa saw all his elves waving from Timbuktu on skype.

“Goodness me,” Santa said, “What about Timbukthree?”

“You know there’s no such place,” his CEO laughed, “The elves are struggling to make enough talking dinosaurs and Whiz bikes for modern kids. In the olden days their parents were happy with lollipops.”

Santa frowned and then he said, “Go ahead – give it a try.”

The CEO elf clapped his hands and shouted, “You won’t be sorry Santa! Go and rest, we’ll do everything faster than magic!”

Santa nodded and went upstairs with a cup of hot cocoa from Mrs Santa and the CEO went to the Elf Invention Centre where all the young elves had long hair and worked in jeans and t-shirts.

“It’s a GO!” the CEO said.

“Cool!” said a young elf called Chuck, “Check this out. We’ve got computerized lists of children, robot reindeer and even a robot Santa. The real Santa won’t even have to go out on his sleigh this year. He can take a break and go to the Maldives.”

“Mrs Santa will be thrilled,” the CEO said, “She’s got a red bikini that she never had a chance to wear!”

Fred the Kind-Hearted Reindeer

Once upon a Christmas, there was an Awfully Cheap Store where people went hoping that they would not be horribly surprised. But usually they were.

As Christmas approached, the owner of The Awfully Cheap Store said, “We will make a rich fruity cake for rich people and a raisin loaf for in-between people and a really cheap and nasty brown sponge with raisin sprinkles for poor people.”

The workers in his bakery said, “Yes sir” and started baking but they felt very non-Christmassy and mean putting all the fruit in the rich cake and none in the poor cake.

Then the owner of The Awfully Cheap Store said, “We will have a massive turkey with stuffing and all the trimmings for the rich people and we will have a slab of pork with no trimmings for the in-between people and minced jelly beef for the poor people.”

The workers in the butchery said, “Yeeugh,” when they had to prepare the jelly beef but they did as they were told so that they didn’t lose their jobs over Christmas.

Then the owner of The Awfully Cheap Store said, “We will make up huge bags of chocolates wrapped in shiny papers for the rich people, and mixed toffees for the in-between people and paper bags of boiled sweets for the poor people.”

The workers in the sweet department said, “That’s not very sweet,” to each other, and wrapped up the packages with big sighs.

“Now,” the store owner said, “Everyone will see that I have provided Christmas for all people – rich and poor – isn’t that right staff?”

And his staff all said, “Yes sir” and nodded their red caps with the jingle bells on the end.

But there was one member of staff called Fred who did not nod a jingle cap. He had never been very good at following orders and the owner of The Awfully Cheap Store had put him in a reindeer suit and told him to prance up and down in front of the store with a sign that said, “Christmas is for everyone – rich and poor!”

Fred was fed up of prancing and was taking a break drinking a smoothie through a straw in his long reindeer muzzle. He saw a family walk into The Awfully Cheap Store. There was a man, a woman and two little girls. They were very thin and had dark circles under their eyes. They went into the store and put a nasty brown sponge, minced jelly beef and packet of boiled sweets into their shopping basket. Then they waited in line to pay.

Fred tried to stay sitting down like a good reindeer, but he frowned and frowned. (Luckily no one could see it under the mask.) Then he went into the store and walked up to the family, “I’m sorry, folks,” he said, “There has been a mistake.”

The Runaway Christmas Pudding

(Or why you should never put too much brandy in the pudding!)

One Christmas, too many aunts were helping to make dinner in the kitchen.

The Christmas pudding was sitting in a cotton bag, full of fruit, dates, nuts, sugar and other such goodness. It was not the pudding’s fault that the aunts interfered. It turned all its goodness to badness and it managed to escape.

It happened like this.

Aunt Slicer, who was tall thin and beaky was enjoying her Christmas sherry. She said, “This sherry is very good Arnold and although I usually stop at two glasses, I think I’ll have another.”

So she did.

Then she said, “The Christmas pudding doesn’t look quite right. I think I’ll give it an extra dose of this very good sherry.”

So she poured the sherry into the cotton bag and the Christmas pudding gobbled it all up like this “shlurp, shlurp, shlurp”.

Then Aunt Plop who was large, round and snubby was enjoying her Christmas port. She said, “This port is very good Arnold. I must say I usually only have one, or two, but tonight I’ll have three.”

Then she poked the Christmas pudding and said, “This doesn’t feel quite right. I think I’ll give it an extra dose of port.”

So she poured the port into the cotton bag and the Christmas pudding gobbled it all up like this – “burp, burp, burp”.

Then Aunt Jehosaphat who was small, nippy and interfering was enjoying her Christmas liqueur.

(At one time this almond liqueur was made by very serious monks who lived at the top of a mountain. They could not believe they had made something so delicious and when they drank it they all fell off the mountain and went rolling down into the valley. The recipe survived and it was fatal to the Christmas pudding.)

Aunt Jehosaphat said, “I don’t usually even have one glass of liqueur but this Almond Liqueur is so divine I will have four or five glasses.”

Then she squished the Christmas pudding and said, “This pudding looks like it needs some Almond Liqueur.”

So she poured the liqueur into the cotton bag and the Christmas pudding gobbled it all up like this – “BAAARP!”

Aunt Jehosaphat got a terrible fright and screamed.

Sloth Paints the Moon

SLOTH PAINTS THE MOON

Sloth lived in the Magic Jungle, next to the Unforgivable Lake.

“I love to sleep in the moonlight,” Sloth would croon.

And he would think about stuff.

If any jungle creature asked, “How can we find Sloth?”

The golden moths would say, “Just follow our trail.”

This meant leaving at night and following the shine of their wings to the heart of the Magic Jungle.

“Watch out!” the moths would whisper, “The Unforgivable Lake may flood and chase the animals away!”

But Sloth lived high up in a tree and water levels were not a problem. The problem was loud Macaw.

“Hey,” Sloth said softly (he always spoke very quietly), “What’s wrong with you bird?”

“I’ve got a HACK! Sorry SQUEAK! COUGH!” Macaw squawked.

So Sloth said, “Hey honeybees.”

And they said, “Yezzz?”

Sloth said, “Please give my bird here a little dose of your honey?”

So they did and with that and a little lemon juice, Macaw was much better and Sloth went back to thinking.

Thinking was very important. He spent hours in the same position just thinking. One evening, Sloth was thinking, “How could I visit the Moon?”