Santa Online

In the olden days – when your parents were born – there weren’t so many children for Santa to visit. Nowadays, there are lots and they all wonder – how does Santa get around to everyone? Does he use computers? Now pay attention.

One Christmas, Santa’s CEO (Chief Elf Organizer) said, “Santa, we have to modernize our systems. All of our naughty and nice lists should be on computer. And we should tell children to send emails – not letters.”

Santa said, “What about children who live in Timbuktu?”

“Timbuktu is online,” the CEO said, “Look on my laptop.”

Santa saw all his elves waving from Timbuktu on skype.

“Goodness me,” Santa said, “What about Timbukthree?”

“You know there’s no such place,” his CEO laughed, “The elves are struggling to make enough talking dinosaurs and Whiz bikes for modern kids. In the olden days their parents were happy with lollipops.”

Santa frowned and then he said, “Go ahead – give it a try.”

The CEO elf clapped his hands and shouted, “You won’t be sorry Santa! Go and rest, we’ll do everything faster than magic!”

Santa nodded and went upstairs with a cup of hot cocoa from Mrs Santa and the CEO went to the Elf Invention Centre where all the young elves had long hair and worked in jeans and t-shirts.

“It’s a GO!” the CEO said.

“Cool!” said a young elf called Chuck, “Check this out. We’ve got computerized lists of children, robot reindeer and even a robot Santa. The real Santa won’t even have to go out on his sleigh this year. He can take a break and go to the Maldives.”

“Mrs Santa will be thrilled,” the CEO said, “She’s got a red bikini that she never had a chance to wear!”

“Er, maybe we’ll send her a wetsuit and snorkelling gear,” the young elves said nervously. “Now what do you think of our robot Santa? You wouldn’t know the difference would you?”

The CEO saw the robot Santa walking up and down and rubbing his tummy and saying “Ho, ho, ho”.

“Wow!” he said, “How good is he at going down chimneys?”

“He doesn’t need to,” Chuck said, “He has laser vision and perfect aim. He throws the gifts down the chimney.”

“What about houses that don’t have chimneys?” the CEO said.

“We’re way ahead of you,” an elf called Frank said, “Our robot Santa is an expert at picking locks.”

“You mean he breaks into people’s houses?” the CEO said, “I don’t know about that!”

“Well only in the best way,” Frank said, “And he never triggers any alarms. Watch.”

The CEO watched the robot Santa throw gifts and break into houses in all the simulation tests the Elf Invention Centre had set up.

“Wow, it really works!” the CEO said, “This is great.”

“You should see the sleigh,” Chuck said, “It’s totally cool. It’s red and it has seven gears that go from fast to super-fast.”

“Can I take it on a test drive?” the CEO said grabbing the wheel.

“Not a good idea,” Frank said, “You see Albert over there?”

“The elf with no hair?” the CEO said.

“Yup,” Frank said, “Our robot Santa is fine on the sleigh because he can take the friction that goes with the super-speed. But your hair would be on fire.”

“Okay, no test drive,” the CEO said disappointedly. “Are the gifts ready to go?”

“Done!” Chuck said, “Our robot Santa is a super-fast packer. He can go and be back before Santa even wakes up from his nap.”

“Okay guys,” the CEO said, “Let’s get Christmas wrapped up!”

The elves all sat at their computers. It looked like the Houston space rocket launch centre. They typed away at their keyboards and the robot Santa jumped into his robot sleigh. They tapped instructions and the sleigh revved its super-fast engines. They hit LAUNCH and the robot Santa and reindeer zoomed up into the air.

All the elves clapped and cheered, “Hooray!”

Then there was a KAPOW-WHOOSH! sound and all of the elves’ computer screens went blank.

“What was that?” the CEO said, “Where is robot Santa with all the gifts?”

They looked at their large, plasma screen map of the world with GPS positioning slowly fade into a tiny pinpoint and disappear.

“I don’t know,” said Frank.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” the CEO squeaked, “All those talking dinosaurs and Whiz bikes! Where have they gone?”

“We’re offline,” Frank said, “Our computers have crashed. Sorry. No Christmas this year.”

“But they must be somewhere,” the CEO said pulling at his jingle hat, “We have to find them.”

“Well they could be…” Albert said.

“Could be where?” the CEO said while all the other elves tried to shush Albert.

“Some of our test-sleighs crashed into a volcano,” Albert admitted.

The CEO looked around and all the elves looked at their sandals.

“What am I going to tell Santa?” the CEO said. “Mrs Santa really wanted to wear her red bikini.”

“There’s a bright side to everything!” Albert said while the CEO dashed off to report to Santa.

He was running so fast he skidded on the mat into Santa’s room and somersaulted over Santa’s bed. But being an elf, he landed on his feet.

“Santa! Terrible news!” he said, “Our computers are all offline, we have no GPS and the robot sleigh may have crashed into a volcano with all the gifts! Christmas won’t happen this year!”

“It already has,” Santa said, “That’s why I’m in my pyjamas. I just came back from my quick zip around the world.”

“You mean you didn’t trust me?” the CEO said sadly.

“Of course I trust you!” Santa said, “Here have a marshmallow. I just don’t trust technology. I’m an old-fashioned elf. I like real reindeer and my real sleigh, powered by Mrs Santa’s old-fashioned extra-strength apple cider.”

“What about the chimneys and all the children?” the CEO said.

“I’d like you to meet a friend of mine,” Santa said, “He’s down in the kitchen with Mrs Santa eating chocolate pie.”

They went to the kitchen where there was a log fire – because being the North Pole it was pretty nippy outside – and at the table an old man with a very long beard and a lamp was eating chocolate pie.

“This is Father Time,” Santa said. “We’re old friends and every Christmas Eve, he stops time for a few minutes, so I can get my deliveries done.”

The CEO sat down and took a piece of pie. “Can you rewind time?” he said.

“Why?” asked Father Time.

“That sleigh,” the CEO said, “I still want a test drive.”

Santa chuckled, “Ho, ho, ho.”

And Father Time said, “Just remember – you have to slow down if you want to speed things up.”

He picked up his lantern and said, “Thanks for the chocolate pie Mrs Santa. You deserve your holiday!”

Mrs Santa said, “I can’t wait to put on my red bikini!”

And the CEO sprinted back to the Elf Invention Centre.

So if you see a sleigh speeding past your window driven by an elf with his hair on fire – remember – the elves are still working on it!